How our families shape who we become

Whether we admit it or not, our families have left their mark on us. The people who raised us, mum, dad, grandparents, or whoever was there, have influenced us in ways we're only just starting to figure out as we get older.

Just think about how you deal with stress. You've probably picked up habits from your parents without even realising it. Maybe your mum would sit you down for a chat whenever something went wrong, or perhaps your dad would shut down and need space. We copy these responses without thinking, and it's only later that we catch ourselves sounding exactly like them.

But it goes deeper than just emotions. Our families pass down whole ways of seeing the world—ideas about what makes someone successful, how we should treat people, what's worth caring about. These handed-down views colour everything we do, from the jobs we choose to the relationships we build.

Here's the thing though: we can't just switch off this influence, and honestly, we shouldn't want to erase all of it. What matters is becoming aware enough to work out which parts actually help us and which bits are getting in our way. Sometimes that means getting professional help to make sense of messy family stuff.

At the end of the day, understanding how our family has shaped us isn't about pointing fingers, it's about taking control of our own story.

Essential vocabulary with example sentences

Core terms:

Parental figures – "My aunt became my primary parental figure after my mother passed away when I was young."

Influence – "My grandfather's love of reading had a massive influence on my decision to become a teacher."

Inherit/inherited – "I've inherited my father's quick temper, which I'm trying to work on in therapy."

Absorb – "Children absorb prejudices from their environment without anyone explicitly teaching them."

Psychological concepts:

Coping mechanisms – "When stressed, I clean obsessively—it's a coping mechanism I picked up from watching my mum."

Patterns of behaviour – "I've noticed unhealthy patterns of behaviour in my relationships that mirror my parents' marriage."

Self-awareness – "Developing self-awareness helped me recognise why I always avoid confrontation."

Family dynamics – "The family dynamics in our household were complicated, with my older sister acting as a second parent."

Development & identity:

Shape/mould – "Those early experiences with poverty really shaped how I view money and security today."

Upbringing – "Her strict religious upbringing made it difficult for her to accept different lifestyles."

Belief system – "My parents' belief system emphasised hard work above everything else, even health."

Worldview – "Travelling abroad completely changed my worldview and challenged what I'd been taught at home."

Action & change:

Unconsciously – "I unconsciously chose a partner who reminded me of my father, flaws and all."

Question/challenge – "As I matured, I began to question the political views I'd grown up with."

Untangle – "It took years of reflection to untangle which of my beliefs were truly mine and which were just inherited."

Assign blame – "Rather than assign blame to my parents, I'm trying to understand the context of their choices."

Useful phrases:

"Leave their mark on" – "My father's work ethic has left its mark on how I approach every project."

"Pick up habits" – "I've picked up the habit of overthinking from my anxious mother."

"Without even realising it" – "Without even realising it, I'd adopted my parents' distrust of outsiders."

"Catch ourselves" – "I catch myself using the same phrases my dad used when he was angry."

"Goes deeper than" – "The impact of family goes deeper than just surface behaviours."

"Pass down" – "My grandparents passed down a deep appreciation for education to the whole family."

"Handed-down views" – "Some of these handed-down views about gender roles feel outdated now."

"Colour everything we do" – "Our childhood experiences colour everything we do, even decades later."

"Switch off" – "You can't just switch off years of conditioning overnight."

"Getting in our way" – "Perfectionism, learned from my critical father, keeps getting in my way."

"Make sense of" – "Therapy helped me make sense of the chaotic family environment I grew up in."

"Pointing fingers" – "Instead of pointing fingers at my parents, I'm focused on my own growth."

"Taking control of our own story" – "Recognising these patterns is the first step in taking control of your own story."